The problem with “The One”

 The problem with “The One”

Man proposing to unsure woman

These are the questions that I come across way too often:
  • “There’s this one girl in my class”
  • “There’s this girl I’ve had a crush on”
  • “I’m in love with XYZ, so how do I tell them without being rejected?” “There’s someone I really want who has a bf and I don’t know what to do”

The problem here is two fold, the way the question is being asked, and the place it’s coming from. These are just examples mind you, the list would be the entire article if I wrote them all down. The problem with putting that much focus on an individual for the sake your own self gain is… because of who you are most likely even if you got the best advice you wouldn’t have the discipline to follow it. Because of that you’d lose the girl. When you’re so wrapped up in the attainment of this person, you never bother to ask:

“Am I someone she’d want to be with?”

As I am right now would this person want to be a part of my life… Do I even want them apart of my life? When’s the last time you asked yourself what does that person bring to the table? Interactions are reciprocal in nature there’s always a “Give & Take”; This must occur for both sides to be happy. Typically when you want “The One” you also find out there’s something wrong with them. They aren’t always what you have envisioned in your head. They may be another gender, an escort, hooker, madam, selfish, crazy, insecure, lazy, etc! What do I recommend?

Let Them Go – Yes I just told you to let go of your dream crush, one true love, soulmate, whatever. Right now without the skills to get and keep them you’re like a fish taken outside of the water without a sympathetic fisher man to throw you back in the lake; you’re bound to die. Focus on improving yourself before seeking after a person like that by making female friends, hit the gym, get that dream job, start a business, read, develop hobbies, make high status male friends, get role models. More times than none as you become a better person you realize you don’t want “The One” because you can do better; you were just desperate. No judgements here, I get it, we all have to start somewhere and it wasn’t that long ago that I was in your shoes.

Date Other People – You’d be surprised how your perspective will change when you have experience under your belt. This allows you to find out what you want, what you don’t want, your personality quirks that you need to fix to be more attractive. There’s an old saying which says, “Practice Makes Perfect” and I half agree with it, but it’s wrong; “Perfect Practice Makes Perfect”. We all know you can practice something the wrong way and get experience but if its the wrong experience you don’t benefit. You still have to start someone where though so get the experience, quickly learn from it, make the necessary adjustments so you can make the right decisions.

Just in case the point didn’t hit home hard enough, the biggest issue with people who are after “The One” is obsessive stalker behavior. Now you’re probably thinking I would never do that, but obsession has a funny way of circumventing our logical mind. There are two principles to be aware of that are VERY DANGEROUS if you’re not careful to control yourself. The “Commitment Consistency Principle” & “Investment”. Commitment and Consistency – If people commit, orally or in writing, to an idea or goal, they are more likely to honor that commitment because of establishing that idea or goal as being congruent with their self-image. Even if the original incentive or motivation is removed after they have already agreed, they will continue to honor the agreement. When people make choices outside of their normal realm of behavior, they will justify their decisions after the fact.

Investment – Anything we invest time, money, physical energy, even emotional energy into we want a reward for the work. Ever see a girl is a shitty relationship and you wonder “Why the hell are you staying, this is toxic for you and you know it?” Its Investment, aka sunk cost principle, or relational equity. Every time you talk about that crush, think about her, obsess over her, discuss your texting strategies to get this dream girl; you’re setting yourself up to act nuts without even realizing. Mind blowing shit right?

Hope that helps, I like to give you enough info which makes it stick, but not enough to overwhelm you into passivity. Go play with your new found powers, let me know what you think, and I hope this enriches you as much as it has benefited me.

As always,

#BeSocial #BeAdvanced #BeatTheSystem.

J Macdaniel Conto

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