At the ripe old age of 36, I’ve come to know a few things about messaging the fairer sex that I sure to God wish someone told me when I was 18. This post right here will give you some of the sweet knowledge that I know right now, would have killed for back then, and that most guys still don’t have to this day. It’ll also give you some direct tips you can use to be more successful when messaging girls so you don’t have to go through all the lonely, painful and frustrating years that I did, and I really hope you like it. So, without further ado…
Here come the pain!
Girls almost never message you first
The sad truth is that unless she’s your girlfriend, cousin, sister, close friend, or has a very clear and defined reason to have to contact you (like you’re working together on a project or something), she’s probably not going to do it first. This means that if you give a girl your number without taking hers you’re most likely wasting your time because even if they want to hit you up they usually won’t. Girls simply like to be chased and most of them have real hang ups about doing anything forward like calling or messaging a guy before he does it first. If you’ve swapped numbers with a girl and think she’s gonna contact you then you should think again bro. You need to message her or ain’t shit probably ain’t gonna happen.
Main takeaway – see it as your responsibility to call or text first and always get a girl’s contact details when you give her yours
They have loads of people messaging them
As long as a girl’s at least averagely attractive then she’ll have plenty of people in her DMs all competing with you for her attention. There’ll be friends, family members, coworkers and legions of thirst-filled dudes all hitting her up, commenting on her pics, liking her statuses and basically trying to be around her.
This basically means two things.
- That you need to stand out from the pack if you’re going to hold her interest for any real length of time.
- That you also have to understand that they might have reasons for not responding to your messages quickly or even at all. You need to know that they’re not necessarily doing it deliberately. It could easily be that life got in the way and they just forgot.
On the topic of other guys though, you really need to know how much choice girls have. A girl on Tinder can easily log in to see 30-70 new messages from guys and this can make them be really fickle with their interest.
Here’s a great way to look at it. For any of you guys out there who’ve ever looked at porn (I can’t be the only one!), I’m sure you’ve found yourselves in situations where you spent **ages** looking for the right clip to enjoy. You looked up and down and up and down Pornhub until you found just the right piece of filthy material to shoot your load to. You glimpse a video for 20-30 seconds and if it’s not good enough then you’re off faster than Usain Bolt and onto the next one.
The camera angles and lighting have to be spot on. The woman has to be as gorgeous as possible, and also being fucked in just the right way for you be be prepared to give up your seed, but why? Because you’ve got so much fucking high speed online HD porn to choose from that it’s made you particular as all hell about what you watch. When I was 15 in 1997, we didn’t have that luxury. You had to get your hands on whatever magazine you could find and be damn grateful for the whatever the fuck was in it. You might have the same mag with the same 75 pictures for 2-3 months before you got anything new and because of that being picky wasn’t a luxury we could afford. We just were grateful for whatever we could get. The point I’m making is that girls see guys much like guys see online porn. They’re swamped with options and are fickle as all hell because of it. If you’re not interesting then they’ll move on without giving you a second thought.
Main takeaway – understand the game you’re playing and don’t take it personally if your messages aren’t responded to
They’re usually looking for an excuse to discredit you
So I just spoke about the wealth of options girls have when it comes to dating. This in conjunction with their natural distrust of guys they don’t know means that they’re usually actively trying to find something wrong with you so they can drop you and move on. And I mean that too because women have told me this personally. Imagine how you’d feel if you had 50 huge books in front of you but only one of them had the small piece of information you needed. You’d skim those bitches at light speed trying to find signs that they either did or didn’t have what you wanted, but if you only had one book to look at then you’d pour into it deeply.
Well girls are like you. You’re one of a crap ton of books they’re looking at to find ‘Mr Right Now’, and they’re gonna be just as fickle with you as you’d be with those 50 books I mentioned. And I’m serious about this too. If you don’t believe me then talk to girls that you know really well and trust and ask them what they’re honestly thinking when guys message them. I bet you they’ll say that they’re usually looking for things that are wrong with them so they can dodge a bullet and move on.
They’re not trying to give them the benefit of the doubt, they’re trying to spot red flags so they can bounce.
Now I’ve said this before in some of my older posts but girls rank their personal safety as being of paramount importance and while they’re attracted to guys they’re also scared of ones they don’t know. Unless a girl already knows and trusts you, has had a friend recommend you, or just really likes you, she’s going to have her skeptical hippo spectacles on when dealing with you at first. Yeah, that’ll go away once she’s decided you’re not a weird and creepy rapist but until that point every message you send has a chance of scaring her off and making her decide to not bother with you. It’s sad but true and leads me into my next point.
You should never say anything that could potentially be offensive
One strange thing about messaging girls is that if you say something that could be taken in both a positive or negative context, they’ll usually always assume the negative.
This pic right here was sent to me by one of my Skype coaching clients. He basically messaged a girl to say he had a great time with her and got no response. Then he said ‘Aww your shy.’ and she blocked him which shocked the hell out of him but didn’t surprise me at all.
When he said ‘Aww your shy.’ she could have either assumed he was just messing around or she could have thought he was trying to take the piss out of her, but she opted for the least positive option and blocked him. This is basically how girls operate so it’s something you need to know. Yes, she most likely wasn’t into him, but that’s not the point. If she didn’t perceive that message to be offensive, she wouldn’t have blocked him.
You can say whatever you want in person or over the phone (within reason) because your facial expression, vocal tone, and body language will be give away the fact that you’re just joking, but none of that is there when you’re DMing someone. When you’re texting someone, all they have to go on are your words and like I said before, that’ll give girls less reason to think you’re not trying to insult them if you say anything risqué.
Main takeaway – never write anything that could potentially be taken the wrong way
If they don’t reply it doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t message them again
There’s any number of reasons why a girl might not respond to your message. She might have thought it was rubbish and that you sucked, been like ‘Meh.’ and forgot about it moments later, liked it but forgot to reply, liked it and just didn’t know what to say and anything else in between. But the thing is that when girls don’t respond, most guys take it as them personally saying ‘Look here you loser, I never, ever, ever, ever, EVER want to talk to you again!’ but the odds of that are pretty small. Also; assuming she does think that in the moment (which she probably doesn’t) unless you did something massively offensive like slap her in the face she’ll forget about it in a week or two and you can try again.
Main takeaway – if a girl doesn’t respond to your message then just wait a couple weeks and reengage. If she still doesn’t respond then wait a while and do the damn thing again. Rinse and repeat until she either responds or asks you to leave her alone
Tips to get more success when messaging girls
1 – Make statements instead of asking questions
Questions basically try to take value without giving any back and are usually pretty boring too. Remember that this girl is busy and has loads of people messaging her. If you say ‘Hey, how are you doing?’ that’s probably not gonna excite her enough to respond so she’ll probably just move on unless she really likes you. Also, the fact that you asked her a question which she didn’t respond to gives both of you the subtle impression that she’s not interested in you which hurts your chances with her.
What you should actually do is make humorous/interesting statements like ‘Jesus Fucking Christ it’s colder than an Eskimo’s butt cheeks out here.’ and then carry on with your day. Statements give value and they also convey assured confidence because it’s obvious you’re not actively trying to lure the girl into a conversation with you like other less secure men they remind her of your existence and convey personality without forcing her to have to engage with you. I’ve had girls read my messages for months before eventually responding to tell me how funny they all were.
2 – Send funny memes
I’m not personally one for memes but most girls are so if you see one that’s really funny then save it on your phone and use that shit. Remember what I said about offering value? Well funny memes make people laugh and that’s a very valuable thing that girls love to do. Also, if you send her a picture that she finds funny then on some level she’ll think you’re funny even though you just forwarded an image.
3 – Put all the girls you know in a single WhatsApp broadcast list
Another tip is to create a broadcast list in WhatsApp with all your female contacts on and periodically blast stuff to all of them at the same time. It’s a massive time saver and because they’re in a broadcast list they’ll receive the messages individually without ever knowing they were part of a group. Then, when individual girls respond then you can just have conversations with them independent of the list. It’s a great way of pinging statements and memes to multiple people at once.
4 – Send a lot of voice notes
Remember what I said about text being a crappy way to communicate because girls can’t read your body language, vocal tone and facial expressions, and that they can misunderstand you as a result? Well voice notes are fucking awesome because they allow you to convey your personality in a way you just can’t with words alone.
When you’re just using your words you need to be extra witty/funny to make up for the fact that they inherently carry no emotion but that’s not necessary with a voice note. With a voice note you can say something that’s pretty uninteresting but sounds really compelling because of the your natural energy and emotion.
Let’s take the following sentence:
Hello, my name is Ciaran. How are you doing today?
Pretty boring, right? Not inspiring in the least.
But now listen to this audio clip of me saying exactly the same thing. See what I mean? It’s much more compelling. Also; another benefit of audio notes is that they help to remind the girl that you’re a decent human being with a soul and not whatever boring creep she might be worrying that you are. Hearing someone’s voice goes a long way to making them feel real and helping you connect with them so the benefit of voice notes can’t be said enough.
Thanks for reading, human.