If you’re wondering how to get out the friendzone, it’s first important understand the behaviours that got you stuck there.
Hey it’s Ciaran.
Before I get into the meat of what I’m about to say, I wanna clarify exactly what I mean by friendzone because I’ve heard people use the term to describe different things.
When I say friendzone I personally don’t mean the times when a girl dismisses a man who states his intentions clearly and quickly. Like if they both kinda knew of each other, he asked her out and she said no. Or; if he tried to kiss her on a date and she said ‘let’s just be friends’ to let him down easy even though she never wanted to see him again in any capacity.
I’m not talking about situations where girls aren’t interested in guys, but still see them as ‘men’, and where they both go their own separate ways after the rejection.
I’m talking about the times when a woman literally cannot for the life of her ever comprehend the possibility of being physical with a man because she just doesn’t look at him in a remotely sexual light even though she really likes him as a person. When she’s got him lumped in the friend/brother category in her head and just doesn’t think of him as a sexual being.
I’m talking about the times that really hurt the guys who suffer them. Like when you know a girl well, have loads of fun with her, think you guys would be awesome together, but for some reason she seems hell bent on only being friends and never taking things to the next level despite the great connection you think you guys have.
I’ve asked loads of girls why they do this over the years and they pretty much always say the same things. From what they’ve said, there’s actually not that many reasons why guys get friendzoned, which is great to hear because it means there isn’t that much to fix. But anyway, if you want to know why it’s happened to you then read on because I’m gonna give you some insight right now, starting with what I think are the most important reasons.
Here come the pain!
1. There just wasn’t a spark between us
This is without a doubt the single biggest reason the girls I spoke to said gave for why they friendzoned guys and it makes a lot of sense when you think about it. A girl doesn’t feel that fire of attraction between her and some dude and starts to see him as just a friend over time.
But before I move on, something I want to say is that from what I’ve seen, once girls have decided that you’re just a friend who they’re not attracted to, they seem to prefer to keep you in that psychological group. They’re usually willing to contemplate losing interest in someone they’re currently attracted to, but not to gain attraction for someone they don’t like right now.
Loosely put, once they decide you’re just a friend, that’s all they usually want you to ever be.
That’s what seems to make the friendzone so painful, it feels like an emotional prison, because it kind of is.
But moving on though, why exactly is there no spark? Well for most guys who’ve been friendzoned it’s because they were so scared of being rejected and looking creepy that they stripped all sexuality out of their interactions with the girls they were into. They basically made a point of being kind, considerate, courteous, sweet, and respectful to a fault, but while showing no sexuality whatsoever.
Here’s an example of what I mean.
Let’s say that a guy and girl have three dates and the guy thinks she’s a good girl who he should treat like a princess. He’s funny, entertaining, pays for drinks and food, and is really good to her but never tries to kiss or touch her at all, never flirts, and just keeps things lighthearted and friendly the whole time. That dude is slowly friend-zoning himself and I know that both from personal experience and from what female friends have told me.
Yeah, he wants to be a good guy who isn’t remotely creepy and never makes a girl feel sexually threatened in his presence, and that’s exactly what he should be trying to achieve, but here’s the thing. By removing all sexuality from his interactions with her she’ll definitely enjoy her time with him if he’s a great guy and she will want to be around him in some way.
But; she won’t think of him as someone she could get down with. She’ll just see him the way he’s presenting himself to her. Basically, he’ll be slowly programming her to not see him as a potential sex partner or boyfriend, but as a nice friend and it’s really that simple. Being a good guy and being sexually interesting aren’t mutually exclusive. It’s not a case of one or the other. You can be a good man who treats women well while showing your sexual interest to the ones you like.
What you need to know is that the friendzone is all about sex. It’s basically where girls put guys they like as people but never ever want to sleep with. And this isn’t any different for good girls or sluts (a word I really don’t like). It doesn’t matter how many morals a girl has or how likely she is to jump into bed with someone. If she doesn’t think a man is someone she’d ever jump into bed with under any socially acceptable circumstances but still likes him as a person with then off to the friendzone he goes.
Another interesting thing that the girls I spoke to said is that they see sex differently to us men. They don’t like to think of it as something that two people actively choose to do, but as something that just naturally happens because of a shared connection. But as nice as it is for them to want to think that, the truth is that sex, or any kind of intimacy, usually happens because the man made the first move.
This means that when a guy’s too scared to make any sort of sexual advance to a girl (a kiss, a look, a touch, a risqué sexual joke, anything), she feels that lack of passion and often assumes it’s because the underlying spark that two people need to want to rip each other’s clothes off just isn’t there.
Having said that though, even if she knew he was just scared, that still wouldn’t be good for him because being terrified of making the first move is a really unattractive trait in most girls’ eyes. But that’s a topic for another day.
The friendzone is all about a lack of sexual attraction, and if you’re not prepared to do something that can make a girl see you as a sexual being then she’ll eventually see you as just a friend and nothing more.
Now I know that a lot of the people reading this are really concerned about being creepy and rightfully so. With that in mind I’m going to try to be careful with my words now, but here’s something to remember.
Sexuality isn’t inherently creepy. It’s totally normal
Being attracted to a girl and wanting her isn’t weird or wrong. It’s a 100% natural result of your human biology. We’re all sexual beings and it’s the very reason that we exist on this planet. Everybody wants it, everyone thinks about it, and being so ashamed of your desires that you suppress them into oblivion just hurts you in the long run.
Is there a right and wrong way to initiate sex with a girl? You bet. Is there a right and a wrong time to initiate sex with a girl? Most certainly. But guess what? You’re never going to find the find the right way or time by doing absolutely nothing because you’re terrified of doing it the wrong way.
You’ll just end up frustrated, lonely, and you might even find yourself reading articles online about why guys get friendzoned.
Anyway, here’s another reason why the girls I’ve spoken to over the years have said they’ve friendzoned guys.
2. He took too long to make a move, so I assumed he didn’t like me and decided I wouldn’t like him either
So something really interesting about women is how their attraction triggers are inherently different to ours. No man on the planet is going to stop being attracted to a girl because he assumes she doesn’t want him. He might choose to accept it and just deal with the fact that he can’t have her, but he’s not going to consciously switch that part of his brain off to her.
Sure it could happen slowly over time as they develop a brother/sister relationship but that’s rare as fuck and even then his change of mindset wouldn’t be by choice. From what girls have told me this is something they often just choose to do when guys take too long to make a move. They decide that you’re either scared (which isn’t attractive) or that you just don’t like them like that way and then recategorise you accordingly.
No woman has ever told me that she’s friendzoned a guy because she didn’t like the way he tried to kiss her or thought his advances were clumsy. Worst case scenario, she might have been completely put off by his tactless seduction strategies and decided she wasn’t into him anymore, but that wasn’t really a friendzone.
It’s a case of:
‘Eurgh. Get away from me and never call me again.’
But not a case of:
‘Aww you’re such a sweet and lovely guy. I wish I could be with a guy like you even though you’re stood right in front of me right the fuck now and obviously are a guy like you. I hope you meet a girl who makes you really happy one day, but alas; that girl will never be me.’
Guys are so scared of the first option that they doom themselves to the second one but for me, I’ll take option number 1 all day long. Option number 1 means you actively manned up, faced your fears and gave it your best shot. Option number 1 means that you now have a chance to figure out where you went wrong and revise your approach in future. Option 1 means you could and should be proud of yourself for trying. Option number 2 is pure psychological hell for many of the guys who experience it.
Moving swiftly on.
3. He meant too much to me. I couldn’t bear to lose him
So here’s another interesting one. Girls have told me that they often friendzone guys because they think they’re just too good of a friend to lose, and if that doesn’t make sense to you then let me explain a key difference between how they and us look at sex.
Guys approach sex like hunter gatherers approach looking for food. We know that unless we go out and hunt, nothing’s ever gonna come our way and we generally have a scarcity mentality about it as a result. Most of us don’t have lots of girls actively showing interest in us and we know we could quite easily go the rest of our lives without ever sleeping with anyone ever again unless we go out and start making shit happen.
Also, it’s pretty damn hard for the average guy to get a girl into bed (which is why it’s called getting lucky) and all of this means that the concept of risking a friendship by turning it sexual is a no brainier for us. Loosely put, most of us would happily risk the friendship to get to the sex/relationship because the sex is harder for us to get than the friendship.
But for girls, it’s the exact opposite. The average girl lives in a world where men come to her offering sex on a pretty regular basis and she just has to say yes or no to them. Having sex isn’t a big deal for them because they know that all they need to do is open their legs to get it. They spend a lot of their lives turning down various offers so they don’t seem easy rather than actually making offers themselves.
A huge part of way guys who fuck loads of girls are called studs but girls who fuck loads of guys are called sluts is the perceived level of access that both genders have to sex at all times. Men have generally little access to it and are therefore praised for getting it, whereas women have 24/7 access to it and are praised for turning it down and not being easy. This isn’t a mindset that I agree with, but it is how things work in society in the present day.
Anyway, what women can’t get easily are great friendships. They have just as much trouble finding those as we do, so if a girl has a male friend who gives her the world’s greatest advice and is always there when she needs him she probably won’t want to risk it all by getting physical with him, eventually having something go wrong, and losing him forever. And that’s actually pretty sweet if you think about it.
Really and truly, the odds of any relationship working out long term are slim and girls know that. They also know that a good friendship is waaay more likely to last so the idea of putting themselves in a position to lose someone close to them for the chance to get something that they know they could quite easily get somewhere else doesn’t make sense and I can’t fault the logic.
But here’s the crazy thing. What your average girl doesn’t realise is that the guys she rejected because she couldn’t bear to lose them as friends wanted her from the very beginning. They wanted her well before she ever decided that they meant much to her at all. They wanted her way back when she would have quite happily contemplated getting involved with them, but they were too scared to do anything about it and fucked themselves as a result.
4. He just wasn’t my type
So the last reason isn’t as important as the others in my opinion and I’ll explain why. Obviously it’s hugely important whether or not a girl thinks you’re her type but that that’s not really something you can control. If she likes skinny Indian dudes and you’re a jacked black guy then you’re probably fucked unless you’ve got amazing game. Take it on the chin and realise that there’s plenty more fish in the sea, many of which will definitely think you’re their particular brand of vodka. Basically just get over it and move on with your life in this case.
Also, this scenario isn’t any reflection of the guy either. He didn’t lose a girl’s attraction through any fault of his own, it just wasn’t there to start with. This is basically the first type of friendzoning I mentioned where a guy acts like a man but just isn’t right for the girl rather than the second type where he turns her off through a lack of action. I wouldn’t call this being friendzoned, I’d call it being rejected.
So what this all means is that if you think you can win a girl’s heart by just being a great friend to her then you’re sadly mistaken. No matter how much she loves you, or how amazing she thinks you are; without a sexual element to your relationship you’ll only ever be a friend. It also means that you can’t wait before making a move either because the more you do that the more you’re programming her to see you as just the guy she eats pizza with every other week and nothing more.
It means you should take a chance with that girl you like and risk rejection because you know what? If you try and it doesn’t work, if she’s not interested because you’re not her type then so what? You gave it a shot and being rejected didn’t kill you. You’re still here, still alive and still kicking. And you know something? There’s every chance that she won’t reject you either, and who knows what might happen after that.
Need help in some area of your dating life? Not as confident as you’d like to be?
I’m currently offering FREE 30-minute Skype consultations with readers of this blog. In these calls, we can discuss your dating problems and create a roadmap to help transform you into the attractive man with the abundant dating life you always wanted.
To book a free call with me, click here to choose the best date and time for me to call you >>